Revisiting My Girl Self: The Rape
Even though my girl was hard on me in this dream, she comes this way to teach me that I have spent most of my life not wanting to be open, vulnerable, and aware of her. She came as an angry girl for me to get this message strong and clear, given the fact that I had ignored her needs and feelings for close to 50 years.
Dream: I return from a business trip to San Francisco and find my two sisters in the house. One is a young woman in her 20’s another is a girl, about 10-11 years old. I start talking and laughing with my older sister and then I realize my younger sister has not come out of her room. I go in and find her bound, gagged and naked on her bed, bruised and bloody. I undo the ropes and her gag. She won’t tell me what happened. I am sure she was violated but she seems OK now. I ask her to talk to me, but she walks right by me and goes to her older sister’s room and sits with her. I find out later she was raped but that she is OK. I feel devastated that she won’t talk to me and feel grief about the rape. Then I realize that she is me and I was violated at 10-11.
From the little sister’s point of view:
I have been tied up too long here- my hands are numb. Jackie is back. I hear her voice talking about all her travel adventures, but she has not even come to find me. Oh well, what else is new? She doesn’t care about me, she hardly remembers that I- her 10 year old girl- still exists in her. Here she comes now. Now she talks like she cares- she asks me if I am OK. She looks terrified. I hate it when she does that- acts calm when inside she is scared shitless. Her face gives it all away despite her calm, soothing voice. She seems to want to help me, but on her terms and in her own time, after she gets back from her trip, after she visits with older sister, then she notices I am not around. My needs are always last.
I have nothing to say to her until she recognizes me and accepts me with my wound around sexual abuse at 10. If she really cared, she would feel my shame, my hurt, my pain, that I carry with me everyday. I wake up with this, and it colors everything I say or do. I’m glad I got tied up and raped by these men. I want to show her that I am her at 10, that this is what it felt like.
She undoes my ropes and the gag on my mouth. I stare blankly at her when she starts asking me all these questions she already knows the answer to. Yes I was violated, yes I am wounded and scared, and yes I am fine because I will remember this. In remembrance and feeling loved through it, I can move on. If only she could do the same; instead, she compresses everything until she is a tight ball of repressed rage. I get up and go into older sister’s arms. She holds me tight and hugs me with love, saying nothing. Nothing to say or do really, but lots to feel here, in her kind, quiet presence. I see compassion in her face and know I am loved here.
The intent of this dream is for me to realize how I have forsaken my wounded ten year-old girl. Holding the pain and sadness of this wound, this girl (me) can turn to the Anima, the older sister, and feel her love and support. With this woman’s unconditional love and support that the girl seeks in this dream, the shame and rage I have carried deep inside about my violation can change by acknowledging/feeling the pain of this wound, surrounded by Archetypal love from the Anima, or the female Archetype. I am the one who needs to remember, feel everything, and eventually forgive.