Category: Early

Face to Face with the Blue Bull

The Blue Bull by Karla Van Vliet www.artandthedream.com

I began this work as someone who avoided her fear and considered herself brave. In my dreams I ran from wild animals, prehistoric animals, domestic animals, angry men, just about anything unusual that approached me. I avoided my fear because I did not want to feel the deeper feellings under this fear. In this dream I try to avoid this powerful blue bull, but eventually it corners me and I just stay with my fear, looking at him. In my session, my analyst asked me to stay there facing the bull, and see what feelings emerge. Along with the fear came a rush of hot lava emanating from my first chakra up to my heart. I felt potency along with the vulnerability and fear of this huge animal. As I put my hands on his long horns, I was able to communicate with him with no language, feeling the joy of his whole beingness.

Dream: I am in a farmyard where I have been before. I am carrying two buckets for gathering compost. I go into one shed and notice there are new doors on the shed. In the corner I see a gigantic blue bull and a small calf. I am scared of the bull. He starts coming towards me and I slip out of one door and into another. The bull pushes the door open with his big horns. I realize the bull wants to come towards me. I stand still, terrified, and the bull comes right up to me, face to face. I put my hands on his huge shiny, pointed horns as he snorts and stares me in the eye. I stay with my fear facing him, and after a very long time looking into his eyes I really feel the bull and his gentle, powerful energy. We have a mind meld and speak without words, about the little calf, about my fear, about his energy. Then he leaves and I stand in the barnyard, breathless and full of joy feeling a lot of life force surging through me.

Face to Face with the Blue Bull (from the bull’s perspective):

Oh there is that girl. I have seen this one here before in the barnyard. I want to know her and really see her- not just pass her by. I want to really take a good hard look at her. Hmmm- she keeps moving away, through doors, out and away. Could she be frightened of me? I need to connect with her. I push open doors and follow her. Ah ha- now she is in the corner so I can really get close. Here I can face her. Her eyes are wild- she seems to be looking all around to escape. I think I will just wait right here, in front of her face. Now she is looking me in the eye. I see my eyes in hers,  just another creature, alive and breathing here in the barnyard. I let her know I crave this contact with her. She puts her hands on my horns and I can feel her right here with me. I hear her heart singing and we move into feeling things together. I can smell her fear. I send to her through my horns the feelings of strength and power that I want her to feel in herself. Just two creatures- alive and breathing here in the barnyard.

This was a watershed dream for me- to stand with the Blue Bull, to meld my mind with his essence, and to discover my own potency as I stand in my fear. Since I worked this dream, I have been speaking more from my heart, hestiating less, and knowing my own desires. I am no longer the cowardly woman who always played the victim card, and felt only either terror or anger.

Rape of My Girl

Even though my girl was hard on me in this dream, she comes this way to teach me that I have spent most of my life not wanting to be open, vulnerable, and aware of her. She came as an angry girl for me to get this message strong and clear, given the fact that I had ignored her needs and feelings for close to 50 years.

Revisiting My Girl Self: The Rape

Even though my girl was hard on me in this dream, she comes this way to teach me that I have spent most of my life not wanting to be open, vulnerable, and aware of her. She came as an angry girl for me to get this message strong and clear, given the fact that I had ignored her needs and feelings for close to 50 years.

Dream: I return from a business trip to San Francisco and find my two sisters in the house. One is a young woman in her 20’s another is a girl, about 10-11 years old. I start talking and laughing with my older sister and then I realize my younger sister has not come out of her room. I go in and find her bound, gagged and naked on her bed, bruised and bloody. I undo the ropes and her gag. She won’t tell me what happened. I am sure she was violated but she seems OK now. I ask her to talk to me, but she walks right by me and goes to her older sister’s room and sits with her. I find out later she was raped but that she is OK. I feel devastated that she won’t talk to me and feel grief about the rape. Then I realize that she is me and I was violated at 10-11.

From the little sister’s point of view:

I have been tied up too long here- my hands are numb. Jackie is back. I hear her voice talking about all her travel adventures, but she has not even come to find me. Oh well, what else is new? She doesn’t care about me, she hardly remembers that I- her 10 year old girl- still exists in her. Here she comes now. Now she talks like she cares- she asks me if I am OK. She looks terrified. I hate it when she does that- acts calm when inside she is scared shitless. Her face gives it all away despite her calm, soothing voice. She seems to want to help me, but on her terms and in her own time, after she gets back from her trip, after she visits with older sister, then she notices I am not around. My needs are always last.
I have nothing to say to her until she recognizes me and accepts me with my wound around sexual abuse at 10. If she really cared, she would feel my shame, my hurt, my pain, that I carry with me everyday. I wake up with this, and it colors everything I say or do. I’m glad I got tied up and raped by these men. I want to show her that I am her at 10, that this is what it felt like.

She undoes my ropes and the gag on my mouth. I stare blankly at her when she starts asking me all these questions she already knows the answer to. Yes I was violated, yes I am wounded and scared, and yes I am fine because I will remember this. In remembrance and feeling loved through it, I can move on. If only she could do the same; instead, she compresses everything until she is a tight ball of repressed rage. I get up and go into older sister’s arms. She holds me tight and hugs me with love, saying nothing. Nothing to say or do really, but lots to feel here, in her kind, quiet presence. I see compassion in her face and know I am loved here.

The intent of this dream is for me to realize how I have forsaken my wounded ten year-old girl. Holding the pain and sadness of this wound, this girl (me) can turn to the Anima, the older sister, and feel her love and support. With this woman’s unconditional love and support that the girl seeks in this dream, the shame and rage I have carried deep inside about my violation can change by acknowledging/feeling the pain of this wound, surrounded by Archetypal love from the Anima, or the female Archetype. I am the one who needs to remember, feel everything, and eventually forgive.