I began this work as someone who avoided her fear and considered herself brave. In my dreams I ran from wild animals, prehistoric animals, domestic animals, angry men, just about anything unusual that approached me. I avoided my fear because I did not want to feel the deeper feellings under this fear. In this dream I try to avoid this powerful blue bull, but eventually it corners me and I just stay with my fear, looking at him. In my session, my analyst asked me to stay there facing the bull, and see what feelings emerge. Along with the fear came a rush of hot lava emanating from my first chakra up to my heart. I felt potency along with the vulnerability and fear of this huge animal. As I put my hands on his long horns, I was able to communicate with him with no language, feeling the joy of his whole beingness.
Dream: I am in a farmyard where I have been before. I am carrying two buckets for gathering compost. I go into one shed and notice there are new doors on the shed. In the corner I see a gigantic blue bull and a small calf. I am scared of the bull. He starts coming towards me and I slip out of one door and into another. The bull pushes the door open with his big horns. I realize the bull wants to come towards me. I stand still, terrified, and the bull comes right up to me, face to face. I put my hands on his huge shiny, pointed horns as he snorts and stares me in the eye. I stay with my fear facing him, and after a very long time looking into his eyes I really feel the bull and his gentle, powerful energy. We have a mind meld and speak without words, about the little calf, about my fear, about his energy. Then he leaves and I stand in the barnyard, breathless and full of joy feeling a lot of life force surging through me.
Face to Face with the Blue Bull (from the bull’s perspective):
Oh there is that girl. I have seen this one here before in the barnyard. I want to know her and really see her- not just pass her by. I want to really take a good hard look at her. Hmmm- she keeps moving away, through doors, out and away. Could she be frightened of me? I need to connect with her. I push open doors and follow her. Ah ha- now she is in the corner so I can really get close. Here I can face her. Her eyes are wild- she seems to be looking all around to escape. I think I will just wait right here, in front of her face. Now she is looking me in the eye. I see my eyes in hers, just another creature, alive and breathing here in the barnyard. I let her know I crave this contact with her. She puts her hands on my horns and I can feel her right here with me. I hear her heart singing and we move into feeling things together. I can smell her fear. I send to her through my horns the feelings of strength and power that I want her to feel in herself. Just two creatures- alive and breathing here in the barnyard.
This was a watershed dream for me- to stand with the Blue Bull, to meld my mind with his essence, and to discover my own potency as I stand in my fear. Since I worked this dream, I have been speaking more from my heart, hestiating less, and knowing my own desires. I am no longer the cowardly woman who always played the victim card, and felt only either terror or anger.